When a teen-ager's
parent is facing death
By: Judy
Foreman
08/12/1996
Miranda Worthen, now 17 and a senior at Newton
North High School, was nine when her mother told her she had breast
cancer.
Miranda had listened for years to her mother's
stories about her own mother, who died before Miranda was born. Now,
as her mother put her to bed that night eight years ago, Miranda
went straight to the heart of the matter.
"What is it like," she asked, "not to have a
mother?"
Contemplating a world without a parent is
difficult, whether you're 17 or 70. But for a teen-ager, it can be
truly destabilizing to think that the person you count on as both
your friend and your intimate enemy might not be there to set the
very limits you detest.
Yet despite the huge challenge of growing up
knowing that a parent might be facing death, teen-agers like Miranda
have discovered that there are ways not merely to avoid falling
apart, but to grow up sane and healthy, even happy.
Like younger children, of course, teen-agers
worry - often secretly - about who will care for them if a parent
dies. But beyond that fear, the issues are different for teen-agers
than for younger kids, even in the same family.
Young children, for instance, may not understand
what death means. But adolescents, their sometimes-reckless behavior
notwithstanding, grasp that death is permanent, and that if a parent
dies it will change their lives forever. They also usually know
there's no truth to "magical thinking" - the idea young kids often
have that their own anger could kill a parent.
Teen-agers face other problems that younger kids
do not.
Because they think they're immortal, for
instance, "it really shakes them up" when a parent gets a serious
diagnosis, says Dr. Alvin Poussaint, a Harvard Medical School
psychiatrist.
Teen-agers are also busy "moving toward
independence," says Dr. David Spiegel, a psychiatrist at Stanford
Medical Center in California, "so there's a tremendous pull on them
when a parent gets sick. They feel infantilized, like, 'God, I'm 6
again, I can't go out, I can't be with my friends.' "
A parent's potentially fatal illness is an
"intrusion on their own personal development," he adds. "Sometimes
they can articulate that, but often they feel too guilty and
ashamed."
"All of a sudden, it becomes very scary," agrees
Gerald Koocher, a psychologist at Boston's Children's Hospital.
"You can't storm out of the house and say, 'I wish you were
dead.' "
But there are things you can do, say both the
pros and parents and teen-agers who've been there. For instance:
1.
Recognize that even
if your parent does not die, things may never be the same.
Susan Anthony, now 19 and a paralegal in North
Reading, was 13 when her father had surgery to remove his cancerous
vocal cords.
Richard Anthony, now 60, says a cancer diagnosis
has "a hell of an impact on the family, even the dog." Today, he
swallows air to produce a raspy "esophageal speech."
For Susan, the whole experience was "pretty
traumatic, and the hardest part was accepting his new voice. He had
a wonderful, soft, melodic voice. . ."
Even the good changes were hard. Her dad "had had
a quick temper," she says. Now he's "calmer. . .but I had a hard
time accepting the change. He didn't seem to be the same person."
2. Try
to find ways to help out that also help you.
Even when she was only 10, Miranda recalls, she
gave her mother long foot massages and hugged her "constantly."
Sometimes, her mother, Kathy Weingarten, now 49
and a psychologist at Children's Hospital and the Family Institute
in Cambridge, worried that Miranda was doing too much. But Miranda
says, "It helped me get through it then, to know I could help her."
Still, parents should set limits on how much help
they expect, says Siegel. "It can't be that every time you go out,
you're abandoning your mom. Tell the child to clean up the kitchen
or whatever, then let them go out." And acknowledge the child's
help. "That means a great deal to kids."
3.
If you're old
enough, consider participating in your parent's treatment, if
everyone agrees that's appropriate.
Kathryn Bailis, 21, the daughter of Susan Bailis,
50, president of The ADS Group, an elder service organization, was
17 when her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. "It was the
worst day of my life," she recalls. "We sat on the kitchen floor for
a long time. I collapsed in her arms.. . . I wailed."
Since her mother's cancer came back, Kathryn
says, "I go to chemo with her a lot," which gives her pride in her
mother's courage. "She sits in her nice silk suit while everyone
else looks like a victim," says Kathryn. "She makes phone calls and
does work. . . It's amazing."
4.
After you have
offered whatever help you can, don't try to be superkid. You still
have a right to be a teen-ager.
Some adults burden kids by saying they'll be the
"man of the house" or the new mother if the parent dies. What kids
should hear, says Koocher, is that "We're all going to have to pull
together as a family."
5.
Find ways to spend extra time with your parents.
Because of her mother's illness, Kathryn Bailis,
a senior at Colgate University, decided to spend the summer at home.
"Now, every moment is special," she says.
6.
Stop fighting with your parents about little stuff.
"I fought with my mom for years," Kathryn says.
"I was angry because she worked so much.
. .Now I feel there's no point in getting angry because in
the end, who knows how long I have with her, so I'd rather not waste
the time fighting over what's not important."
7. Try
to turn the crisis into a chance to grow.
When Kathy Weingarten's cancer recurred and she
had a partial mastectomy, Miranda worried that her friends would be
"creeped out." So the two talked about it in their mother-daughter
reading group, then Weingarten asked if the group wanted to see her
chest. They did.
"So she took off her shirt and showed us. She was
really brave," says Miranda. "The mothers walked out with their
daughters and held their hands. The girls would sort of bury their
faces in their mothers' intact chests and look at my mother."
But her friends "grew into a different emotion
about it," she says, and she learned "if they couldn't accept a
woman who had had a terrible disease. . .then I wouldn't want to be
friends with them anyway. I ended up not losing any friends at all."
Weingarten was as awed by Miranda's growth as her
daughter was by hers. Miranda was "deeply politicized," she says.
"She became very supportive of me. She's an extraordinary kid."
8.
Recognize that it's
natural to fear you could get the same kind of cancer your parent
has. Ask for extra medical checkups for reassurance.
Both Miranda Worthen and Kathryn Bailis, for
instance, worry a lot about breast cancer. When asked what she
wanted for her 17th birthday, Miranda answered, "A mammogram." She
was too young, but her doctor agreed to give her frequent breast
exams.
9. Face the
fear of death together - by talking.
Discussing death with Miranda, her husband Hilary
and their son Ben, 20, has been "a very profound experience," says
Weingarten.
"Of course, it would be the worst thing that
could happen," she says. But she and the others tell each other, "We
don't have to deal with that now. It's not happening. . . You don't
have to worry alone and I don't have to worry alone."
10.
Avoid information or people that upset you.
When she was diagnosed with breast cancer this
spring, Eve Nichols, 44, director of public affairs at the Whitehead
Institute for Biomedical Research in Cambridge, discovered
well-meaning adults were telling her kids, Matthew, 19, and Beth,
17, about their own parents' deaths at a young age.
"I had a very good prognosis, so that was
difficult for the kids," she says. "My advice to people is to listen
to the kids and support where they are at the time."
And simply get out of harm's way if you feel
bombarded by information - or feelings - you don't want to deal with
right then.
Miranda recalls a conversation not long ago when
a woman started talking about her mammogram. "I got really
frightened. . . . I dug my nails into my hands. Three minutes later,
I realized what I was doing and said, 'Mom, we need to stop this
conversation.' Then we sort of pieced together what had happened to
make me so freaked out."
11.
Talk, talk, talk. If
your parents can't listen when you need them to, seek out other
adults - clergy, teachers, family friends - as well as your own
friends, who can.
Before her daughter could talk to her directly
about her fears, says Eve Nichols, Beth confided in a family friend,
a source of support that was crucial.
Avoid the friends who, as Kathryn Bailis puts it,
"can't deal at all." Focus on those who can, the ones you can have
fun with when you're up and cry with when you need to.
If you become depressed or suicidal, you may need
a professional to talk to, says Poussaint. One sign you may need
this help is if you start drinking heavily or using drugs.
12.
When the going gets
rough, do as Susan Anthony does: "Remember, your parents are going
through as much as you are, so it's going to be hard to deal with.
Just take it one day at a time."
Someone to talk to
If you're a teen-ager who has a parent with
cancer, you might consider attending a networking group for teens at
the Wellness Community in Newton Centre. The telephone number is
617-332-1919.
You can also find adults outside the family to talk to through many
schools, churches and hospital emergency rooms.
