Making it through the holidays
By Judy Foreman
12/15/1997
Too much to do, too little time. Too many people to
buy holiday gifts for, too little money. Too much food and alcohol,
too little will power.
And sometimes most important, too little
companionship for those who live alone or have lost loved ones, and
too much for others suddenly plunged back into chaotic or abusive
families.
If you are among the harried hordes this season,
take heart. For one thing, it'll soon be over. For another, there
are ways -- from the mundane to the meditative -- to take care of
yourself in the midst of the madness and get more joy out of the
holidays.
Here's a map through some of the minefields:
Expectations.
``The biggest source of stress is people's
expectations, including the expectation that from Thanksgiving to
New Year's Day you should be really happy and joyous and spiritual
the whole time,'' says psychologist Alice Domar, director of the
Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical
Center.
``There is this notion that people should be
having a good time. It invalidates one's experience of sadness or
loneliness or whatever it might be,'' agrees Edmund Neuhaus, a
psychologist at McLean Hospital in Belmont.
The solution, they say, is to recognize that
you're probably not going to give -- or get -- the perfect present,
the holiday dinner may be over- or under-cooked, guests may be late.
Family dynamics.
One of the joys of the holiday season is getting
together with friends and families. But that's one of the biggest
stresses as well. One key is to recognize that even if you've
changed, there's a good chance family dynamics haven't.
``No matter how old you are, you are still
someone's son or daughter or someone's mother or father,'' says
Neuhaus. ``The youngest child in a big family may be 40 now but
he'll be treated like the baby he was at 5 or 10. . . That can
create a lot of tension.''
The remedy is to anticipate this, tolerate it as
best you can, and realize that at bottom the question many people
are secretly asking of families at holiday time is: Are you ever
going to acknowledge that I am worthwhile?
And if experience tells you that going home is
always a disaster, there's an important truth often overlooked at
holiday time: You don't actually have to go if you don't want to, no
matter what the pressure.
If you do choose to spend the holiday with family,
you can control how much time you spend and what you do.
``Plan in advance what the program will be for the
day, communicate that in advance, and structure the interaction so
it will be minimally problematic,'' suggests Dr. Andrew W. Brotman,
chief of psychiatry at Beth Israel Deaconess. ``It's frequently
easier to do visits for several hours rather than several days.''
You can show up for gift opening, say, then take a
walk or a nap, and go back later. If you can afford it, consider
staying in a hotel.
Really bad family dynamics.
The holidays are a ``tremendous time of increased
stress for women dealing with domestic violence because of cultural
pressures to have the whole family together,'' says Jane Oldfield,
director of the violence intervention program at New England Medical
Center. ``They may have false hopes that things will get better or
that they should get back together for the sake of the children for
the holiday.''
That ``could be dangerous,'' adds Oldfield, who
says hard data are sparse, but her experience suggests domestic
violence goes up during holidays.
If you have been abused and feel sad or unsafe,
call a domestic violence hotline, adds Georgianna Melendez-Brown,
outreach coordinator for the Casa Myrna Vazquez.
Recognize that the abuser may try to manipulate
you through the kids, who may feel sad if a father doesn't show up.
``The woman has to help the children cope with the reality, which is
that their father isn't able to be there for them in the way they
deserve,'' she says.
And be wary of the idea of getting back together
with an abuser for the holidays, then planning to split up
afterwards. It often doesn't work.
Alcohol.
Like violence, alcoholism can pose a particular
problem at the holidays, he adds. Social drinkers and alcoholics
alike may feel more permission to overdo it and the anxiety of the
season can push some people to use alcohol to ``self-medicate.''
But there are support groups for alcoholics and
for those whose lives have been affected by alcoholism, and many
offer extra meetings around the holidays. Alcoholics Anonymous, for
instance, has 24-hour ``Alkathons,'' from 6 p.m., on Christmas Eve
to 6 p.m., Christmas Day, and a similar schedule at New Year's.
Loved ones who aren't there.
``One cannot help but think about those you have
lost on the holidays -- it's not possible to dismiss that,'' says
Brotman. ``The key is finding a way to cope.
Some people set an empty place at the table for a
loved one who has died, or hang up an empty Christmas stocking. This
may help some families, but can be too grim for others. In general,
it's best to acknowledge the loss, perhaps visit the cemetery, and
reminisce with others who knew the person. And then move on.
Kids may need special help coping with a loss at
holiday time, including gentle reminders that even Santa Claus can't
bring back a missing mother, father, or sibling.
Grieving can also be difficult for invisible
losses, like the children you long for but haven't had, the mate who
hasn't quite materialized. For infertile women, one source of
comfort at holiday time may come from helping others, like by
working in a soup kitchen.
Loneliness and depression.
Despite the lights and candles, the music and the
merry-making, many people feel lonely during the holidays, whether
they're surrounded by other people or not.
``Everybody on the holiday is not filled with
joy,'' says psychiatrist Brotman. ``It's not abnormal to feel
somewhat alienated, somewhat disappointed, to not have the joy and
optimism for the new year that others have.''
The feeding frenzy.
The best way cope with the temptation to forget
your healthful eating habits at parties is to start with a diet Coke
or ginger ale, says Johanna Dwyer, director of the Frances Stern
Nutrition Center at New England Medical Center.
That will not only slow down your alcohol
consumption, but will fill you up a bit, too. You might also want to
have a hard boiled egg before you go, on the same theory. Once at
the festivities, try eating the crackers without the cheese or dip,
or go for the veggies and fruits if your host offers them. Part of
the holidays is enjoying special foods and a few indulgences
probably won't hurt, but moderation is the key.
If you have a serious eating disorder, go to extra
support group meetings. When you're at someone else's house, tell
your hostess about your vulnerabilities. Try not to have your eating
-- too much or too little -- become the focus of the entire group.
Self-nurturing.
Don't laugh. It is possible to take care of
yourself while juggling the obligations to others, even at holiday
time, says psychologist Domar.
``Spend half an hour a day on yourself,'' she
says. Take a hot bath, watch a movie, listen to a relaxation tape
or, best of all, take a walk or do some other kind of exercise.
Exercise is the best ``pill'' for anxiety,
depression and a host of other ills, she says. And it's free.
SIDEBAR:
Where you can turn for help?
Some telephone numbers for help during the holidays:
- Family violence: Casa Myrna Vazquez,
1-800-992-2600. You can also call 911 for emergency help.
- Substance abuse: National Drug and Alcohol
Treatment Referral Routing Service of the US Department of
Health and Human Services Center for Substance Abuse Treatment,
1-800-662-4357.
You may also call 1-800-729-6686., the National
Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information.
Alcoholics Anonymous can be reached at
617-426-9444. Al-Anon, for people affected by someone else's
drinking, can be reached at 781-843-5300.
- Depression. If you are seriously depressed,
call the emergency room at your local hospital.
